Once upon a time in a land far far away, I was a college student. It took me sweet forever, but I eventually earned a bachelor’s degree in religious studies. I am fully aware that earning a bachelor’s degree is a fairly common occurrence, but for me it was a very big deal because I was pregnant with my third daughter when I finally finished. It was a lot to juggle, yes it was, but I got ‘er done and I’m all the more appreciative of my education because of the tears, tears, and tears that went into it. As a side note, I gave birth to that daughter on Saturday, May 13, 2006 which was my graduation day. I wasn’t able to participate in the ceremony, of course, but I did wear a cap and gown. . .if you count those awful hospital gowns and those weird papery caps they make you wear in the operating room.
Anyhow, the reason I’m telling you all of this is because I’m about to pull out some theology and then I’m going to tell you how it applies to my life. My profs would be proud. So here goes nothing. Brace yourself, the pastor’s wife is gettin’ real.
Are you familiar with the term deism? Here’s what it is in a nutshell: Deism asserts that God created all things, but after they were created, he took a step back and let the natural world run according to the laws of nature. Kind of like a clockmaker. The clock is beautifully formed by the hands of its creator. Then when the clock is finished, the creator winds it up, steps back and lets it tick, never to intervene again.
Theism, on the other hand, says that God created all things and remains both interested and involved in his creation; God desires to know us and to be known.
Both deism and theism recognize the hand of a Creator and Supreme God, but whether or not he is concerned about his creation is the first place where they differ. There are other differences, of course, but for the sake of time and space and brainpower, I will not address those here.
So the discussion is whether or not God is interested in our lives. Now, you might think that since I’m a pastor’s wife, I have this all figured out (wrong!), or that I don’t have questions about whether or not God cares about us (wrong again!), or at the very least, I am disciplined enough to have an active, vibrant prayer life (hate to disappoint you, but wrong again).
Here’s where I’m at right now: I have questions about whether or not God is concerned about me and what’s happening in my life. I have had months (years, if I’m being honest) where it seems to me that my prayers have gone no further than the ceiling, settling somewhere amidst the dust on the ceiling fan blades. Can anybody relate to that?
Or worse, have you ever felt like God heard your prayers then did exactly the opposite of what you asked, just for the sheer fun of it? Yeah, I’ve been there too.
Somewhere along the line, I quit expecting God to answer me. I prayed out of a sense of duty and obligation, not because I really thought he cared about my life. When it all boiled down I realized, I was living like a Deist. Oh, I didn’t know I was. If you had asked, I would have told you I was a God-fearing, Bible-believing Christian. I’m a pastor’s wife, worship leader, ministry director, for heaven’s sake! Of course I believe in the power of prayer!
But I was a Deist. I was claiming Theism and God’s intimate involvement in my life. But I was acting like a Deist, afraid to approach the Great Clockmaker for fear of his passive glance, or worse, his smirk.
During our sabbatical, one of the things that kept coming back to me was a need to start trusting God again. It felt weird to admit that, because I really thought I was trusting God. But when I took a hard look at my life, I realized that trust had been lost and replaced by independence and apathy. When I came to grips with that I knew something needed to change.
I don’t have it all figured out yet. I don’t have a bunch of scripture to quote for you. I don’t claim to have God or theology all wrapped up in a pretty little package, nor will I ever. What I do know, is that God extended His hand to me in an invitation to walk with him and trust him on a deeper level. I reached my hand toward his and I’m holding on tight.
Where will this take me? I’m not sure yet. I’m just taking one day at a time, learning to trust God again, taking baby steps toward a more real relationship with Him.
And that’s my version of a lesson in practical theology. Would love to hear your feedback.
Hi Vicki!
I check in on your little blog here from time to time. Glad I did today. I can relate almost as if I’d written it myself-except mine would have been not so eloquent. Isn’t God so patient with us. Thanks for sharing and being real. It helps others so much…no one has it all together. Take Care, Jody (Herbert) Reid
thank you. it’s so good to know i’m not alone – there are others walking with me on this sometimes unclear journey, and what’s more God Himself is walking with me. man, i want a good long talk with you!! miss you, my friend.
I’m so encouraged by what you shared here. I feel like God is really using you and other areas of my life to impress upon me the importance of taking care of my soul right now. Thanks for sharing…C
I loved what you shared Vicki and appreciate your honesty! I can relate a lot with what you said…trust in not an easy or simple thing. I agree so strongly with you that I don’t have it all figured out…sometimes it feels like more questions than answers. Thanks again for taking time for us on Sunday.